BREAKING NEWS FROM BOSTON:

THERE IS A GOD.

Red Sox sweep Rockies for second World Series Championship in 4 years.

I'M EXPRESSING MY INNER ANGUISH THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

HEROES IS THE HOTTEST SHOW IN THE WORLD.

when i die, these two will be waiting in full superhero regalia. just delightful.

The one thing I hate about being a Sox fan

per sportsline.com

Superfan

Colorado: Unknown.

Boston: Ben Affleck.

Edge: Colorado.

What, Me Worry?

after much careful research (and by that i mean several hours of Backyard Baseball)...


there are many, many, manny reasons that both the red sox and the rockies are where they are. momentum, big cajones, some little asshole second baseman, a sweet postseason catchphrase all make the extensive list. 'cowboy up' was quaint...for a while, but let's get real real son- 'rocktober' is kinda badass.

but let's look at the most fundamental aspect of the series- the fans.




this is a rockies fan. notice the uneeded rally cap. observe the look on the young man's face that seems to say 'i am confounded by this modern technology'








this is a red sox fan




notice:

a) the age- we start them young, they know which side their bread is buttered on. this fan was probably born the same year the colorado was established as a franchise
b)the blood covering the right half of his face, undoubtedly spilt from the flesh of some unworthy fan sitting closer than the lil tyke



oh shit, wait




this is also a red sox fan. damnit, nilly. the point is no longer valid



so we move on



what is the second most important thing a playoff team needs besides good pitching?


good facial hair.




it is a well known fact that the team with either the collective best facial hair or best individual scruff wins the series. playoff beards win games and save lives.

true story.


so i present the facts:





here are some main players for the roxies. NOTE: the only player with substantial hair of the facial region has some form of a lumberjack vagina growing around his mouth. not a winner.
pitchers for the rockies are not included because im pretty sure none of them HAVE facial hair. jeff francis is actually 14 years old, but by some freakish disease/radiation/trick of the light is the size of a grown man. OH MY GOD... HE'S LIKE TOM HANKS IN BIG. HOW HAS NO ONE PICKED UP ON THIS?????????????????/



JEFFERY! COME BACK IN FOR DINNER!


























but i digress.



the red sox, on the other hand could defeat the rockies on one man's well sculpted decorative fuzz- that of mike lowell.















simply put, badass. well groomed sideburns and a sweet goatee. done and done.


the sox can also tout jason varitek's classic goatee, youk's spartan warrior shit. dice-k and okiedokie's pencil-thin ninja deal, jbecks clump, timlin's patch (if he grows it back), ortiz's confounding trail from hair to chin (how DOES he do it), and jd drew's lack of any real value in this world. wait that last one isnt facial art, just a fact that jd drew can suck my balls.

suck my balls jd drew.


notice i did not mention gagne's thing growing off his face. this is due to the fact that a large poriton of new england, myself included, are praying the man picks up a razor soon, and not only to shave his face (he could take off a whole arm while he's at it...)




and lastly



if there is a god, or at least a higher power, he has for the most part stayed away from contributing to sports, regardless of what jon kitna or the worst steroid user ever paul byrd says


but if someone's out there, and he cares about his children, there is no way in hell a team wearing purple so prominently is winning the whole thing.


so we got that goin for us... which is nice.

Is Drew like the Groundhog?

Some questions were raised last night after the game such as "Who is Paps dance teacher? I want to learn how to jive and shake like that," "Did JBex really just talk in a complete sentence?" Was V-Mart crying? There is no crying in baseball!" and the last one makes you wonder..."Do J.D. Drew and Punxsutawney Phil share a relative?" I ask this because the good J.D. Drew came out in game six, but, when presented with the opportunity to make the Boston faithful fall in love yet again (I am talking about when he came up with the bases loaded in the 1st, prompting one fan to say "If Drew does it again, I will buy a J.D. Drew jersey and name my first child Drew") he didn't get it done. Now, does Drew have "groundhog syndrome?" In other words, did the Good J.D. Drew see his shadow and now 6 more weeks of really bad baseball? You have to wonder.....

The Mighty Mite - D-Peddy

How could anyone not love this kid? Ok, well if he was a Yankee, I would passionately hate his guts. He's small (5'7" actually), he's not fast (7 SB's), he has moderate range in the field and doesn't kick the ball around. The kid has minimal power and generally sticks to singles and the occasional double. But he is a royal pain in the ass if you are facing him. He walks. He doesn't strike out. He hustles and he gives enough shit for him and JD. The best part about the little bugger? (Other than the bat flip following his 7th inning homer off the previously untouchable, yet totally overworked former steroid abuser Rafael Betancourt) Dusty thinks every pitcher he faces is junk. Whether its Sean Henn or Johan Santana, it's all junk.

"What? You struck me out? That's because im fucking lazy...Bitch! I have your ass on my fantasy team and I needed the extra strikeout. We're fucking bending you douchebags over anyways so who cares? I sure don't give a fuck about you because your stuff is shit...Asshole."



"Anyways, so we're playing the Rockies now for the right to be the King of the Fucking World...Bitch! But seriously though, the Rockies? They are a bunch of fucking mountains. I could run up a fucking mountain if I wanted to...but I don't, so fuck you. I'm Dustin mothafuckin' Pedroia. Nobody has shit on me. I'm the best fucking player in baseball...the Rockies my ass. I'll singlehandedly fuck them up back to 1996. Maybe I'll let my boy Papi have a few swings, but these fuckers are mine. I don't even need help, I'm only offering a free shot at these pussies to my boy Papi 'cause he's fucking huge. And Manny is my boy too. The guy is a fucking nutjob. One time we hot-boxed his Escalade before a game. When we got to the stadium we both ate like 15 chicken parm subs from Vinnie's and then hit fucking homers in BP with Dougie. But fuck you, I'm the fucking chillest motherfucker on the whole fucking team. Fuck that, the league. Fuck that, the whole fucking world."

BREAKING NEWS:

RAGING PAPELBONER EPIDEMIC BREAKS OUT IN GREATER BOSTON AREA

BRING IT BITCHES

OUR CLOSER IS CRAZIER THAN YOURS AND HE KNOWS HE'S GETTIN THOSE OUTS

WHAT?????!?????

Yeah Basketball

The new-look Celtics shat on the Knicks last night at the T.D. Banknorth this name is way to long New Fleet Center. K.G. and Ray Allen look like they are up to the task of bringing a championship to Boston. Something Coco Crisp, Julio Lugo, J.D. Drew. Dustin Pedroia, Manny Delcarmen and apparently Manny have decided not to do. So yeah, get down with your badselves Celtics. Did anyone question the Truth's production with the addition of these two super stars? Yeah, he dropped a team leading 22 on the New York Sexual Harassers.


So, yeah, I can't believe I am saying this but....



Celtic Pride?

Pitchers and Catchers Report

Pitchers and catchers report in 4 months....maybe the Red Sox will decide they want to make it past the ALCS next year. And maybe Dice-K will justify his salary and maybe I will find $10 billion on the side of the road....hey, we all can dream, can't we?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

There are no words

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BACK

Welcome back, Manny.

this is why we have this shitty, half-assed blog:

HEADLINE: 'Spice Girls Tickets Sell Out in 38 Seconds'



really people?


reallllly?


realllllllly?







...oh.

gay-rod

boy oh boy
can't wait to see what those striped homosexicles pull off in the playoffs
sure hope a-rod's been doing his wrist exercises for extra powerful slapping ability