there are many, many, manny reasons that both the red sox and the rockies are where they are. momentum, big cajones, some little asshole second baseman, a sweet postseason catchphrase all make the extensive list. 'cowboy up' was quaint...for a while, but let's get real real son- 'rocktober' is kinda badass.
but let's look at the most fundamental aspect of the series- the fans.
this is a rockies fan. notice the uneeded rally cap. observe the look on the young man's face that seems to say 'i am confounded by this modern technology'
this is a red sox fan
notice:
a) the age- we start them young, they know which side their bread is buttered on. this fan was probably born the same year the colorado was established as a franchise
b)the blood covering the right half of his face, undoubtedly spilt from the flesh of some unworthy fan sitting closer than the lil tyke
oh shit, wait
this is also a red sox fan. damnit, nilly. the point is no longer valid
so we move on
what is the second most important thing a playoff team needs besides good pitching?
good facial hair.
it is a well known fact that the team with either the collective best facial hair or best individual scruff wins the series. playoff beards win games and save lives.
true story.
so i present the facts:
here are some main players for the roxies. NOTE: the only player with substantial hair of the facial region has some form of a lumberjack vagina growing around his mouth. not a winner.
pitchers for the rockies are not included because im pretty sure none of them HAVE facial hair. jeff francis is actually 14 years old, but by some freakish disease/radiation/trick of the light is the size of a grown man. OH MY GOD... HE'S LIKE TOM HANKS IN BIG. HOW HAS NO ONE PICKED UP ON THIS?????????????????/
JEFFERY! COME BACK IN FOR DINNER!
but i digress.
the red sox, on the other hand could defeat the rockies on one man's well sculpted decorative fuzz- that of mike lowell.
simply put, badass. well groomed sideburns and a sweet goatee. done and done.
the sox can also tout jason varitek's classic goatee, youk's spartan warrior shit. dice-k and okiedokie's pencil-thin ninja deal, jbecks clump, timlin's patch (if he grows it back), ortiz's confounding trail from hair to chin (how DOES he do it), and jd drew's lack of any real value in this world. wait that last one isnt facial art, just a fact that jd drew can suck my balls.
suck my balls jd drew.
notice i did not mention gagne's thing growing off his face. this is due to the fact that a large poriton of new england, myself included, are praying the man picks up a razor soon, and not only to shave his face (he could take off a whole arm while he's at it...)
and lastly
if there is a god, or at least a higher power, he has for the most part stayed away from contributing to sports, regardless of what jon kitna or the worst steroid user ever paul byrd says
but if someone's out there, and he cares about his children, there is no way in hell a team wearing purple so prominently is winning the whole thing.
so we got that goin for us... which is nice.
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