I swear this isn't sexual...

Wang Shipeng (Pronounced Wang She Pang) is a basketball player for the Guangdong Tigers of the Chinese Basketball League. He also plays for the Chinese National Team and is actually pretty good. One night when I was drunkenly awake at 2:30 I watched China play the Celtics in an exhibition and was impressed by Wang's ability to find the hole (hehehe). No seriously, Wang loved going to the rack but ultimately it is his ability to finish in the hole that will make him stud, er, a stud.


God I love Mandarin.

Express Yourself, Mark Cuban

So Mark Cuban wants to buy the Chicago Cubs. I think that is fantastic, I mean who can not say they are excited to see Bud Selig having to deal with Cuban’s antics? David Stern, who probably runs the most politically correct sports in the United States, (lets face it, the MLB has to deal with Gary Sheffield’s new allegations of racism in the Yankee club house, the NLF has to deal with most of their players – or maybe Pacman Jones and the entire Cincinnati Bengals team – deciding to live like thugs) and has been going crazy keeping Cuban under wraps, which he has not been able to do. So, lets say Cuban buys the Cubs, what is Selig going to do? He is the second most ineffective commissioner in US sports (thank god Gary Betman is around) and does not deal well with controversy of any kind. From him proclaiming a tie at the All-Star game a few years ago to his extensive inquiry into steroid use in baseball (has anyone heard anything about progress at all in this field?) he has done nothing to deal with any problems baseball has faced. Until big, bad Cuban comes around. Lets take a second to look at some of the actions Cuban has been fined for, shall we? In the words of the Miami (OH) cheerleading squad: “Ready? Okay!”
$500,000 for saying he wouldn’t hire an NBA executive to manage a Dairy Queen (I find this funny because I wouldn’t hire Selig to manage a Dairy Queen.)
$250,000 for saying the NBA and its’ officials rigged the games (Wait ‘till an Umpire blows a call)
$250,000 fine for criticizing the referees
$100,000 for blogging (Curt Schilling would never make it in the NBA, considering he is going to start a live blog from the mound.)

$100,000 after sitting on the baseline during a game
$100,000 for making a derogatory gesture (B.K. Kim did this, but he did not get fined)
$100,000 by the league for comments he made about the officiating
$25,000 after verbally abusing and publicly criticizing referees
$15,000, after having to be physically removed from the court
$10,000 and suspended for two games after running onto the court to break up a fight
$10,000 for what the league called "inappropriate public comments"
$5,000 for criticizing an official

I would just like to point out how the NBA fines people for the smallest thing, while the MLB just sits there and does nothing. I bet Cuban cannot wait.

So lets make up a situation here: The Cubs are in the NLCS against a New York team…hm…the Mets! Okay, so the game is in Chicago, man of first, and he takes off for second base Lo Duca throws to second and…he…is…OUT! The fans are pissed, so is Cuban especially since replays show that he was actually NOT out and missed the player completely thus resulting in a phantom tag (I am not a bitter Red Sox fan, I swear.) What will Cuban do? I am going to assume he will have seats right next to the Cubs dugout ala Ben “Hey, I am King of Red Sox Nation even though everyone hates me” Affleck, but from those seats will he run on the field like he did in the 2006 NBA finals? Lets say he does and gets hauled off the field and misses the rest of the game, which the Cubs lose. Now that no one cares about the NLCS anymore, people turn to Bud to see what he will do. Will we see another famous Bud shrug? He has done nothing to deal with controversy in the past, letting the teams do most of the work. Even when something happens and the league suspends a player, they appeal and end up having to do nothing. Cuban must be licking his chops think of all he will be able to get away with! Selig will be rendered helpless by Cubans antics, thus forcing him to retire earlier than he expected (yay!) If this happens maybe America’s Past Time will once again become, well, good. People say Cuban might ruin baseball, but Selig ruined baseball and if Cuban runs him out of baseball he will being doing us all a service. Cuban will make the game more exciting and bring back the casual fan. The only thing keeping baseball on edge right now are Sheffield and whether or not the Yankees and their $200 million payroll will miss the playoffs. Cuban, the most controversial owner in sports, would bring life to the game. Plus, how afraid do you think umpires are to have to deal with the new dynamic duo: Mark Cuban and Lou Pinella? I for one cannot wait.

and introducing.....

THE TRE TRAIN!

JUST RELEASED FROM WHEREVER HE WAS BEING HELD!

an idea

i sit here, supposedly working, thinking about ESPN's frustrating duo of Jon Miller and Joe 'Lil Cut Fastball' Morgan when it hit me. An idea for the ages. An idea i want no credit for unless it happens and becomes huge. Observe:




DUMB








DUMBER












DUMBEST







If television companies insist on the continued employment of these three men announcing baseball, then i propose the fans' counter-offer- put them ALL TOGETHER IN ONE BOOTH.

think about it. the sheer awkward non-chemistry would be unreal. it would be like, at a party, finding the most socially awkward kid, the horniest kid, and the dumbest kid and locking them in a room telling them to speak every thought.
Admit it, sometimes we like to see people (especially famous-ish ones) crash and burn (see; VH1). Hell who am i kidding with that 'sometimes' we ALWAYS love it.
Think about this scenario! The only one out of McCarver, Morgan, and Buck with a positive IQ is Buck (who is actually a fine announcer but makes this list and my scheme because he is an enormous prick). Morgan is like a short circuting baseball robot in the booth, repeating what Jon Miller says in more obvious ways or telling some rambling story that no one cares about and have no real value.
McCarver might do him one better, though it's not really fair to compare them, as McCarver has senility on his side, helping him through every semi-retarded comment.

Just imagine some of the conversations in that booth:

Morgan: "well Colon froze him with a lil cut fastball there!"
Buck: "er...? that's a ball folks, as Colon is having trouble controlling his offspeed stuff."
McCarver: "you know, the useful thing about an offspeed pitch is that its slower than your regular fastball"
Morgan (wildly): "LIL CUT FASTBALL?"
McCarver: "let's bring out Scooter the animated acid trip, I mean baseball, to talk about an offspeed pitch"
Buck: ""and in the game..."
Morgan:
McCarver: Boy those Yankees sure are great! I would love to just saddle up to Derek Jeter and slide my hand round his well groomed
Morgan: BLEEBLE BLABBLE
Buck (whispereing): pleasssse... go to commercial... I know its during an at bat... I ... I just wanted to call my family and tell them i loved them....
Morgan: Baseball, baseball, baseball... you know i played baseball. i used a bat and a glove. you try to hit then run and sometimes you stop the other guys from doing that too. see, i always...
McCarver (talking to a baseball in both his voice and a high pitched falsetto): So, scooter....
Buck: dead.


ok, so maybe that was a haphazardly and uncerimoniously thrown together, but i dont imagine it could be much different. perhaps by the time they put the crew together Morgan will have regressed to the 'Pokemon Point' where he can only say his first and last name (an upgrade from the usual garbage he vomits out). And maybe McCarver will have come out of the closet and not be able to do Yankee games, what with the restraining orders most of the team will have against him.


But I am sure that this trio would drive Buck to the point of insanity.



Think about it people, we have seen The Real World, the Surreal Life, Charm School, etc, etc
Now we could get the same crazy, stupid shit on tv- but in a way that guys could watch without questioning their sexuality.


and really,

isn't that what life is really all about.

keep motorboatin you motorboatin sons' of bitches you.




will.i.am

Yankee's Anti-Black Conspiracy Exposed

Sparked by comments made by volatile Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield, Major League Baseball has concluded the New York Yankee's hate blacks, after a probe into the Yankees clubhouse turned up conclusive evidence that owner George Steinbrenner once stole a bag of Jax out of Chili Davis' locker during a game in 1998.

The investigation, which was headed by former Secretary of State Colin Powell, turned up further evidence that could be used to indict Yankee's manager Joe Torre, general manager Brian Cashman and Steinbrenner. An anonymous source told the New York Daily News that several Yankee players, including bi-racial captain Derek Jeter, banned rap in the clubhouse before and after games due to obscene and explicit lyrics they viewed as degrading towards women and people of caucasian decent.

In an exclusive interveiw with Andrea Kremer for Real Sports with(apparantly out) Bryant Gumbel, Sheffield claims he was unfairly treated by Torre. He claims he was criticized in front of the team for punching a fan at Fenway park after being verballed and possible physically interfered with. "(Joe) Torre don't know how it is. Back where I come from, down in Tampa, we punch out opposing first basemen if they don't greet us with a smile on their face!" Sheffield went on to vent his frustrations over Jeter's control of the clubhouse televisions. "All Jeter ever wanted to watch was that darn Country Music Television. I hate country music cause it reminds me of white people. Cowboy Troy is a disgrace to the African-American race!"

As of June 13th, no official word has been released by Major League Baseball or Colin Powell however Steinbrenner had this to say. "Gary Sheffield? Who's that? Haha just kidding. Gary's a real pistol isn't he? I firmly believe the Yankee organization did no wrong in regards to the handling of Gary Sheffield. He served his time in pinstripes and did not win a title. Any criticism is well deserved. Just because Gary is an idiot doesn't mean we like black players. The Yankee organization is a class first organization. We take the necessary measures each season to ensure that we are hated by everyone except the true Yankee bandwagoners. (The upper west side.) I have mistreated many players over the years but Gary Sheffield was not one of them. I never called him a fat toad did I? DID I?!? That's all I will say about this situation at this time. We are five minutes past my feeding time." He continued on off the record by saying he now wears size XL gray turtle necks, "not to hide any hickeys, haha I haven't had one since Reggie Jackson, but rather because i'm fat."

Count me in the shocked pile, I always assumed he was getting some Tim McCarver poonani, but sadly I guess Tim saves himself for Jeter.

Pacman: "The Police Target Me"

Ummm...HAHAHAHAHAHA


No shit!

Let's see, uhh Pacman buddy, over the last two years you've been arrested or questioned over 9 times in Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia and Nevada.

Police arrested you for possession of marijuana in Atlanta when the stopped your Corvette and it "reeked like marijuana".

You were arrested another time for possession of marijuana and then handcuffed after you punched a police officer (always a good decision).

You were seen in surveillence footage in the middle of a fight at a gas station where gunshots were fired.

You were arrested in Murfreesboro, Tennessee at the Sweetwater Saloon after assaulting a woman who claims you spit in her face. I'm concerned about the spitting Pac but more importantly, what the fuck were you doing in Murfreesboro, Tennessee? Furthermore, where the fuck is Murfreesboro, Tennessee?

You were arrested, and suspended by the Titans, for spitting in the face of a girl at Club Mystic in Nashville. (I guess Pacman's a spitter not a swallower.)

And the granddaddy of 'em all. February 19, 2007. Minxx Gentleman's Club, Las Vegas. Allegedly you hurled $81,000 in cash in the air which naturally led to a brawl and many gunshots being fired. When all the dust had settled, and a Minxx bouncer lay dead, you demanded you money back.


I think it's safe to say that the cops would not be doing their jobs Pacman if they weren't constantly targeting you. Seeing you in public is like hitting the jackpot because every cop knows you are somehow breaking the law, it's just up to the cop to figure out what law you are breaking.


Please don't change Pacman, you have done America a great service. You have provided our police force with more action and our public with more laughter. We owe you a debt of gratitude.

'Daddy Gonna Get That Cash'

if you have not heard the aforementioned song i stole for my title, by Styles P and Lil Mo, please, find some way to hear it. You will laugh. You might cry. You will shake your grooove thang shake shake ya groove thannnng.

this has been a public service announcement by Sports Blogasm. Thank You for your attention, now back to our regularly scheduled stuff you probably don't need to be reading but i need to be writing or else i would become very bored....


The other day, i was in the mancave (like that batcave, but my basement and no badass gadgets), playing backyard baseball and watching tv. the end. that's the end of the story and the basic summary of my summer days.

just kidding.

I was watching FX, when what should come on, but Swimfan. Now i remember seeing this movie when it came out in 2002 (which would have made me a recent teenager and very easily influenced) and i remember leaving the theater with the odd combination of feeling enjoying the movie while being thoroughly, completely, truly, madly, deeply creeped out. Great reminisence and all, but here's the point. This is a fantastic movie. Swimfan is also a warning. When they show us kids sex ed videos in 5th grade, 1st grade, 8th grade, college, whenever the people in charge of deciding when that is necessary (read; big creepers) they should immediately follow up by showing this film. Hopefully, it will instill in young men a truth we must all realize- don't trust whitey. i meant women. Don't trust women.


The thing about this movie is that we all know that person, I say person, but really we know for the most part it would be a girl, who is reasonably attractive and sexually agressive but also seems a bit... off



taa daaaaa... look at her

she seems... nice?









please. let's be honest. whether or not a girl like this was 'nice' is irrelevant. if she put the moves on you, in a dark pool (# 231 of places-to-have-sex-before-i-die list), rubbing and touching and saying not so quietly

TELL ME YOU LOVE ME


ok. game over.

if you havent seen the movie, go see it...NOW... and then finish reading.




now i do not care how hot a girl is or how large her... desire for you may be, if you are hooking up with a girl for the first time, and she is ready to do it in a freakin pool, AND SHE SCREAMS ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE TOKEN PORNO NOISES (an article i am formulating in my head as i type), GET OUT (HA.). drop that shit like it was a greased up naked deaf guy.

this movie, if nothing else, should serve as a warning to all men.

please, guys, i implore you, think with your dick.
there i said it.
go ahead, be a pussyhound, a man-slut, a candyman.
perpetuate your geonome.
but, for the love of god, look out for the red flags. there comes a point where the girl's ass...ets aren't worth it.


which brings me back to the song.

its about a 'down ass chick'


ahem.

'Daddy gonna get that cash/ That's what my honey holla'd out every time I hit that ass'




i love dumb rap.

Karma's A Bitch

Antoine Walker was robbed at gunpoint at his house in Chicago on Monday. Jewelry, cash and a car were stolen from Walker who was with a relative. Serves him right. He robbed the Miami Heat of any chance of winning a second straight NBA title by shooting a measly 28% from three this year and turning the ball over almost 2 times a game.

This shouldn't come as a shock to Heat fans. Antoine tortured Celtic's fans for years with his out of control play, constantly jacking threes only to hit one of ten and then he would celebrate with his trademarked "Wiggle". Gawd he was awful. The worst part about Antoine was that Celtic's announcer Tommy Heinsohn loved every second of his antics. And I love Tommy Heinsohn because he's guiltlessly biased towards the C's and no one minds. But Antoine...oh Antoine. Why did you tantalize us all those years by leading the Celtic's to the conference finals only to shit the bed once you got there. The Celt's finally got rid of you, then Danny Ainge shat the bed and got you back to Boston.

Anyways, apparently this wasn't the first time Antoine was robbed in Chicago. Back in 2000 he was robbed, along with Nazr (sketchiest first name in sports because its pronounced Nazi) Mohammed while sitting in a car waiting for a restaurant to open. Who goes out to eat early enough that the restaurants haven't opened yet? And furthermore, he was robbed of a $55,000 wrist watch. Who the hell spends $55,000 on a watch? Gawd Antoine you make me sick. Save the Heat's season next year by just retiring. No one wants to see you "wiggle" after you made you first three in ten tries.

sportsgasm

Just to kick things off, is that an appropriate name for the noises that come out of some of the female tennis players in a big match. My god, it must take a serious effort to hit that ball because those ladies are screaming for it. I just hope it's worth it the next morning.

Lets continue with the gag.

It would only be polite to buy the ball breakfast the next morning.


What really shocks me is the amount of guys who do it too. I understand that there is a large amount of effort being put into these shots but c'mon, they're world class athletes, how is that rush of air in a primal, guttural, over-the-top sexual scream necessary.

It is distracting.

and to think, i started posting about something else.

now i cant remember.

damn.


goodnight, and for the record, those shower gels dont work- my extra sexual perception is still wayyyyyyyy off



so thanks axe, big help

Introduction To The Bloggers

I realize this blog kinda sucks right now but it's just getting started up. In order for you to understand anything in regards to our posts you must understand us first. Above all else, my sports life is ruled by two teams. The Red Sox and UCLA basketball. Being from Boston and all, it was sort of a given that I'd be a Red Sox fan. However, I do not consider myself a casual fan like all of those polo shirt wearing, playoff bandwagoner guys who don't know who Jacoby Ellsbury is and the pink Coco shirt wearing housewives who think Pokey Reese is the greatest second baseman in Red Sox history. My love for UCLA basketball is a bit more complex. It dates back more than 7 years now when I first took in a game at Pauley Pavilion. My love for UCLA has turned into an unhealthy obsession. In fact, my favorite athlete is this guy. I'd love to meet the person who can name him right away. His name is Kevin Love and he was the national high school player of the year this year and will be attending UCLA next fall.


Enough sports and let's get into the good stuff. The hottest woman alive you ask? Reese Witherspoon. I realize that might shock some of you but come on, she's gorgeous, not addicted to crack, not shoving fingers down her throat and now single. What more could you ask from a blonde bombshell with lots and lots of cash? (For the record, I decided this after seeing Walk The Line. She's insanely hot in the movie, and it's also a great flick. Also, I will swallow my pride and recommend Cruel Intentions because she's hot in that too and it's sadly very entertaining.)

The Sports Blogasm

When we were trying to decide what to name our blog we came up with alot of crazy ideas. Going into the process it was understood that the blog would be sports related thus I assumed the name should be sports related also. Thinking of something concise and witty is not nearly as easy as it sounds. I entertained many name ideas such as "Fuck You, Arod!", or "East Coast Bias" but neither of them really clicked. Eventually we came down to the name "Hitting A Curveball" with some clever subtitle relating to viewing sports with a "spin". That seemed to be where this blog's name was heading but it never really felt right. Finally, at the eleventh hour, we came up with the name "Sports Blogasm". It was the perfect fit for us. Will.i.am and I consider ourselves to be diehard sports fans. And our fanship isn't limited to a few sports or teams, we have affiliations with teams and sports all across the globe. Well not really. Only America but it sounded better the other way. However, do not assume that this is strictly a sports blog. Our intentions are too revolve around sports but there is no doubt that our interests will occasionally stray beyond the playing field. If anyone ever reads this, our message to you is plain and simple. "Thank you for reading this shitty blog and wasting a few precious minutes of your lives...but please come back soon!"