Yankee's Anti-Black Conspiracy Exposed

Sparked by comments made by volatile Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield, Major League Baseball has concluded the New York Yankee's hate blacks, after a probe into the Yankees clubhouse turned up conclusive evidence that owner George Steinbrenner once stole a bag of Jax out of Chili Davis' locker during a game in 1998.

The investigation, which was headed by former Secretary of State Colin Powell, turned up further evidence that could be used to indict Yankee's manager Joe Torre, general manager Brian Cashman and Steinbrenner. An anonymous source told the New York Daily News that several Yankee players, including bi-racial captain Derek Jeter, banned rap in the clubhouse before and after games due to obscene and explicit lyrics they viewed as degrading towards women and people of caucasian decent.

In an exclusive interveiw with Andrea Kremer for Real Sports with(apparantly out) Bryant Gumbel, Sheffield claims he was unfairly treated by Torre. He claims he was criticized in front of the team for punching a fan at Fenway park after being verballed and possible physically interfered with. "(Joe) Torre don't know how it is. Back where I come from, down in Tampa, we punch out opposing first basemen if they don't greet us with a smile on their face!" Sheffield went on to vent his frustrations over Jeter's control of the clubhouse televisions. "All Jeter ever wanted to watch was that darn Country Music Television. I hate country music cause it reminds me of white people. Cowboy Troy is a disgrace to the African-American race!"

As of June 13th, no official word has been released by Major League Baseball or Colin Powell however Steinbrenner had this to say. "Gary Sheffield? Who's that? Haha just kidding. Gary's a real pistol isn't he? I firmly believe the Yankee organization did no wrong in regards to the handling of Gary Sheffield. He served his time in pinstripes and did not win a title. Any criticism is well deserved. Just because Gary is an idiot doesn't mean we like black players. The Yankee organization is a class first organization. We take the necessary measures each season to ensure that we are hated by everyone except the true Yankee bandwagoners. (The upper west side.) I have mistreated many players over the years but Gary Sheffield was not one of them. I never called him a fat toad did I? DID I?!? That's all I will say about this situation at this time. We are five minutes past my feeding time." He continued on off the record by saying he now wears size XL gray turtle necks, "not to hide any hickeys, haha I haven't had one since Reggie Jackson, but rather because i'm fat."

Count me in the shocked pile, I always assumed he was getting some Tim McCarver poonani, but sadly I guess Tim saves himself for Jeter.